Humour

The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”

The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”

“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”

“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”

“You can go home and forget about it!”

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A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its flahing lights on is in his rear view mirror.
He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on.   The cars are racing down the dual carriageway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the heck,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his vehicle and approaches the car.   He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day and I just want to go home.
Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said…………………..

“Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.   When I saw your police car in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back!”

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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.   People get out of the way much faster now!

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.   If she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.   Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?   That’s common sense leaving your body.

I didn’t make it to the gym today.   That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven’t met yet…

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment… now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is… “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have gray hair.   I have “wisdom highlights”.   I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

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On a rural road a police motorcyclist stopped and pulled the farmer over and said:   “Sir, do you realise your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

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A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

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It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the

audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family

for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“Shit!” said the hypnotist…

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre

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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.  The amazed woman Asked if she got three wishes.  The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.  I’m a one-wish genie.  So…

what’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate.   She said, “I want peace in the Middle East.   See this map?   I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and

vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years.   I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.   I’m good but not

THAT good!   I don’t think it can be done.   Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in

bed, gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful.   That is what I wish for…a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”

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1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.
‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.
‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later…’Da-ad…’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?’
‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later…’Daaaa-aaaad…’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,

for Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,

‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  ‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?’ The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’
I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’
‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.   Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…’
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’
The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’
‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked.’
‘Yes,’ he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’
The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’
The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer..

She read, ‘… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’
She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’
Her mother replied, ‘No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re  too rough.’
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,  ‘If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake

The barber says to her,  ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’

She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’